Author: Daeric (---.houston.res.rr.com)
Date: 08-19-2005 02:14
My mom is a highly respected religious figure at the temple that I go to. She is supposedly enlightened and has people from around the world (Australia, Vietnam, Canada, France, and more) to visit her. Since she is considered to be enlightened, everybody just listens to what she tells them without question. The problem is that I am not religious. I definitely not planning on letting her know, considering that that would be the same as telling her that I believe that everything she has done in and devoted her entire life to is false.
I have also been working on a small business with a friend of mine. My mom is greatly against this, demanding that I first go through with college. Now.... I am not saying that she is wrong, but I don't yet feel ready for college. Upon telling her of my recent business venture and about not feeling ready for college, she began to shed tears, telling me how hard my father works to put me into college and how if I don't have a college education and considering that I am not a very devout religious person, there is nothing in life for me. I also have went through 2 semesters of college, with not-so-good grades. I believe that I am a type of person who, when I don't feel ready for something, will do it half hearted with less than half hearted results. When I want to do something, however, I excel greatly... In the 3rd grade I was doing math at a 7th grade level, at least.. I was suppose to have been sent to an elite school, but I had no transportation to get there. Instead, I was sent to a middle school behind my apartments known for being one of the worst.
Not to go on about my life, I would like to add another piece of it in this post. In middle school I lost all my ambitions to become a great student. I was a student in a school with a majority of hispanics. I was often picked on and the teachers would just ignore what was going on and pretend nothing happened. I'd get punched by a big classmate, notorious for being disruptive, near teh end of class a few feet away from my teacher and she'd just look down at her desk and ignore everything. I was bullied so bad that I requested changing my home room to another one, under the guise that I wanted to improve my math grades. Then a teacher became paranoid that I was "out to get her" which resulted in me spending an entire semester inside a seperate building for "in-school detention," which is basicly where they put all the "bad and unruly" students. Further compounding the problem of being-picked-on-through-out-high-school-while-teachers-idly-stood-by -and-pretended-nothing-was-going-on was that I was raised as a pacifist. I was raised under the rule that if someone says something, ignore them. Do not fight back, passive resistance, as violence is "bad."
The one time I decided to fight back against a bully, the teacher stopped me- ME. After that, I took initiative to remove myself to a new home room. I was raised to believe that there were rules and restrictions in place to help everyone and prevent bad things from happening. Instead of reinforcing this concept, the opposite was reinforced. No single teacher decided to step in to help me, but when I stood up against a bully, I was scolded and told to sit back down while the pencils and objects continued to fly at me. The only reason that I stood up was that I lost control. I once even broke down in tears and the teachers still ignored me. At that moment, I was so frustrated and enraged, that my mind was emptied of all thoughts. My hearing went away and all I could hear was a ringing sound in my ear. I had a tunnel like vision, where everything outside a small circle became black and I had only a small circular tunnel-ish view. In this state, I stood up and began to walk towards the bully when my teacher suddenly yelled out my name, snapping me back to reality. She then told me to head back and sit down at my seat. It was on that day that I lost trust in this sole system of security that I was relying on. The moments where I depended on the authorities, the role models, the teachers to protect me I was ignored. But at the very moment I couldn't handle anymore and was unable to help but strike back, this blanket of security stopped me. It decided to work for those who thrived on the misery of others and promote it, but when the oppressed decided to strike back it fell me in one strike. My mother decided to raise me defenseless in a world where no one defended those who would not defend themselves. I am not saying she was wrong, but just wanted to vent out some of this frustration.
Well... I would appreciate any comments/suggestions about the first two paragraphs of this. Any further comments on any of this will also be gladly welcomed. I'll probably make another posting some time in the future... to vent of my inner demons where my words won't be condemned by the religious people of my area. I also think I need to talk to a therapist or psychologist. What's the usual rate for a semi-decent one?
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